Shit My Toddler Says

Posted on May 17, 2012 by Mommy Boots

So the “Shit my Blah Blah Blah Says” is still relevant, right? Right. Good, great, grand. Wonderful. Here’s some shit my toddler says.

Me: *walking on the treadmill after putting Nellie to bed*
Nellie’s Door: *knock knock knock*
Nellie: MAMA. MAMA!
Me: *gets off the treadmill. Opens her door* Yes, Nellie?
Nellie: Mama, you busy?

**
(I’m holding Nellie, crossing the street to take her to daycare)
Nellie: Mama, cars coming?
Me: No, Nellie, we made sure no cars were coming.
Nellie: …….. Batman coming?

**

Me: So I heard that the Avengers made like, over $200 million at the box office opening weekend.
Josh: HOLY SHIT!
Nellie: HO-LEE THIT!
Me & Josh: *muffled laughter and snorting*

**

Me: Nellie, you’re my sweet baboo.
Nellie: No. No, I not fweet baboon!
Me: You’re not my sweet baboo?
Nellie: No. I fweet chimpanzee.

**
Nellie: Daddy. I Frodo.
Josh: You’re Frodo?
Nellie: Yeah. And Bella {Nellie’s best friend} Sam.
Josh: Bella is Sam, huh? Who am I?
Nellie: Gollum.

**
(Nellie and I are in the grocery store. She has a cough.)
Nellie: *cough cough cough cough*
Me: You ok, baby?
Nellie *cough cough coughcough cough hack cough* GOLLUM! GOLLUM!
Me: *falls down laughing*

**

Me: Daddy, a boy kissed Nellie at school today.
Josh: What! Nellie, did a boy kiss you?
Nellie: Uh-huh. On forehead.
Josh: What! Who is this young man?
Nellie: Rocco.
Josh: Did you like when he kissed you on the forehead?
Nellie: Yah.
Josh: Are you going to let him do it again?
Nellie: Mmm hmm.
Josh: I need to know more about this young man. Does he have a job?
Nellie: Yeah.
Josh: Where does he work?
Nellie: Groceries.

What’s some funny shit that your toddler says?

Posted in Shit My Toddler Says | Tagged | 1 Comment

Trapped

Posted on May 15, 2012 by Mommy Boots

So here’s the thing. I hate geese. I’m terrified of them. I think they’re horrible, evil creatures that want only one thing, and that’s my blood. Mine, personally. I’m not sure if I wronged geese as a species in a former life or what, but they hate me and I them.

I’m actually okay with geese – as long as there is a pane of glass, a cage, or a very large man separating me from them. Yesterday at work we noticed a whole family of geese waddling through our parking lot. There were several adults and a few cute fluffy little goslings. I gushed over how cute the geese were and took pictures of them – through the window, from the safety of my office.

I pulled up to work this morning and noticed the whole flock was out in the front yard. The little goslings were all eating some flesh some grass or something and the adult geese were there as well. I thought it was so darn adorable I snapped a picture.

I watched them for a while and then got bored, and collected my things getting ready to walk into work. It was then that it dawned on me that the tree they were all gathered around was directly in front of the front door, and that I’d have to walk by the whole damn bunch of them to get to it. Visions of screaming and feathers flying through the air while I was honked and bitten to death filled my head and I froze.

What was I going to do? Suddenly, I had an idea. I took what was left of my blueberry muffin, slowly opened the door and began throwing it at the geese. They stopped and looked at me. One hissed, and I might have peed my pants a little. They began waddling after my offering and I slowly made my way out of the car. I walked to the passenger side, one eye on the geese and the other on my destination. It was then that they ran out of muffin and all of their evil, horrible little heads turned to look at me. They started inching toward me and I freaked out. I threw more muffin at them. I think it mostly just made them mad because they sent this asshole to come get me.

I leaped back into the car, slamming the passenger door behind me. I frantically texted my husband, letting him know that geese were after me, that I loved him, and not to let Nellie forget me. The goose disappeared from sight for a moment until reappearing right outside the window.

I pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I was going to get eaten alive by geese when this one finally waddled away and I could actually plan my escape. I quickly gathered my belongings, exited the car and sprinted to our back door, where I prayed my key worked in the lock. Luckily for me, it did and I am alive and well enough to tell the tale of how I almost got killed by geese.

The moral of the story is: geese suck and I’m a big fucking wuss. The end.

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Avengers Assemble

Posted on May 14, 2012 by Mommy Boots

Josh is planning on taking Nellie to see The Avengers on Memorial Day. On Saturday, they got to talking about it. And I got it on camera. Enjoy.

Posted in All About Nellie, nellie videos | Tagged | Leave a comment

Lessons in Motherhood

Posted on May 10, 2012 by Mommy Boots

 

Mama’s Losin’ It

For this week’s Writer’s Workshop prompt I chose “Share a lesson you learned from your Mother that still sticks with you to this day”.

I struggled with this topic, because I didn’t glean many positive things from my mother. We didn’t share many Hallmark moments learning life lessons over a cup of tea or coffee. There was a lot of yelling, resentment, and dysfunction, but not so much with the touchy-feely learning.

I have felt compelled to write more about my feelings about my mother and Mother’s Day, since it is the first since she died.

I mostly learned the type of mother I don’t want to be. The kind of behavior I never want my daughter to see. The lessons my mother “taught” me weren’t so much taught with intention and thought as learned by me being witness to the person that she was.

From watching her, I learned to always stay on top of my mental health; there is a family history of mental illness and just like being proactive about a family history of breast cancer, I have learned I will have to be proactive about my mental health as well.

She taught me that yelling and rage don’t ever solve anything. All it teaches a child is how to fear confrontation, conflict, and how to feel ashamed and like everything is their fault.

It wasn’t all bad, I suppose. My mom also taught me to love and embrace being different. She exposed me to her generation’s music; the Beatles, The Who, The Mamas and the Papas and growing up, I was almost always the only kid in my class who even knew who those bands were.

She taught me how to love driving through back roads with no real destination, listening to music and enjoying the silent company of the person you are with.

I think one of the lessons I have taken most from my relationship with her is that just because I didn’t have a great mother doesn’t mean that I can’t be one myself. That just because I didn’t have a good example doesn’t mean I am destined to fail my daughter the way I was failed. I am learning to accept my life with her for what it was, not what I wished it would be. I’m working on finding the good lessons and good moments amidst the bad. In a way, I suppose that even now I am learning from her. Learning how to forgive, learning how to let go, learning how to accept. Hard lessons to learn – especially with no mother to guide me – but I’m working it out. And in the end, I know that it will help me be the mother to her that I never had for myself.

Posted in Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop | Tagged , | 8 Comments

Wordless Wednesday – I Need a Hero

Posted on May 9, 2012 by Mommy Boots

Posted in nellie pics, wordless wednesday | 2 Comments

Ten Great iPhone Apps For Toddlers

Posted on May 7, 2012 by Mommy Boots

I like technology. A lot. I think it’s nifty. Some may say that I’m addicted to it. To which I say – MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS I CAN QUIT ANYTIME I WANT TO.

Ahem. This post isn’t about my obsession healthy love for all things tech. This post is about my favorite iPhone apps for my toddler.

Yes, I let my daughter play with my phone. I didn’t until I got an OtterBox, because iPhones are super fragile. What’s up with that? Hundreds of dollars worth of technology, and you sneeze at it wrong and it shatters. You’d think they’d be able to come up with something a little more sturdy. YOU HEAR ME, APPLE? While you’re at it, LONGER PLUG-IN CORDS. SERIOUSLY.

…. Anyway. Back to my favorite toddler apps. I do let my 2 ½ year old play with apps I’ve downloaded just for her. It keeps her busy at restaurants while we’re waiting, keeps her engaged when I need to cook or do something that doesn’t involve her pulling at my leg and trying to climb up me like I’m a tree, and other things of that nature. Almost all of the apps I’ve acquired for her are also educational. Without further ado, here are my top ten picks of iPhone apps for toddlers.

iPhone apps for toddlers

10. Wee Sing & Learn ABC ($2.99) -This app teaches toddlers a multitude of things: Letters of the alphabet, animal names and the sounds they make, and various musical instruments. My toddler loves this app. It drives me a little insane, but it keeps her interested.
9. Animals for Tots ($.99) – This one comes with one set of animals (Forest) with the option to purchase another pack (Farm) for $.99. This one lets kids touch various animals, learn what they look and sound like, and what noises they make.
8. Fisher Price Laugh & Learn Animal Sounds (FREE) – One of the first apps I ever downloaded for my child, this one has cute little animals that make noise when you touch them. You can also shake the phone and they will wiggle and laugh. This app includes a few cute little songs that are surprisingly non-irritating.
7. Fisher Price Laugh & Learn Shapes and Colors (FREE) – Another one by Fisher Price, this one teaches toddlers colors and shapes. There are two levels; one where your child can play with shapes, shake the phone and make them bounce all over the screen and another where they can play a little keyboard with a song that goes with each shape.
6. Grasshopper Apps Little Reader Four Letter Words ($.99) – This app features nothing but four letter words, and pictures that correspond with them. Your child can learn to identify and recognize basic, four-letter words by dragging the picture to the correct word. As your child increases the number of times they match the pictures with the word correctly, the level increases by giving more picture/word options to choose from.
5. Parents Flash Cards (FREE) – This one helps teach colors, shapes, letters, and numbers with various levels including flash cards, and games where children have to identify colors, shapes, letters and numbers.
4. Kindergarten.com’s Alphabet Flash Cards ($.99) – This app teaches letters and corresponding items that begin with that letter. It also teaches adjectives by adding in descriptors to each item: “A: An apple is an awesome fruit.” I have already noticed this one increasing my child’s vocabulary; the other day she informed me that “a butterfly is a beautiful insect”. And then my head fell off from surprise.
3. Grasshopper Apps Farm Animals (FREE) – This one helps identify animals. When your child begins, they will see a few different animals. The voice will prompt them to “touch the sheepdog”. When your child identifies the correct animal, it will chime and give encouragement. The longer your child plays, the more complex it gets: adding more animals and making the pictures smaller.
2. Kindergarten.com’s ABA Receptive Identification by Class ($1.99) – This one is a new favorite. This app helps strengthen your child’s receptive vocabulary skills by having them identify objects, but here’s the catch: it doesn’t ask your child to “touch the potty” or “show me the cat”. Instead, it will implore your child to “touch the bathroom item” or “show me the pet”. If your child touches the incorrect item, the app will correct them by saying, “a blender is an appliance. Touch the bathroom item.”
1. Teach Me Toddler ($.99) – This app tackles numbers, letters, shapes, colors, counting, and ABC Phonics. It tracks your child’s progress as they learn and get questions correct. For each time your child gets an answer a category correct on the first try, they get a check mark. Once they earn 3 check marks, they earn a “sticker” that they can then put in a digital sticker book. The sticker books come with lots of different scenerios and corresponding items: beach, ocean, city, playground, etc. This is my child’s favorite app and the one she asks for most, and since she’s been playing it I have noticed a significant increase in her ability to point out colors, numbers, and letters. She calls this one her “Mousie Game”.

I got almost all of these apps (even the one that cost money) for free. I highly recommend you download the AppsGoneFree application – it lists apps that have temporarily gone free once a day. I’ve gotten a lot of really great apps for free thanks to this. Kindergarten.com also has a LOT of other great educational apps that I haven’t downloaded yet, but probably will. They are worth the money that they cost – trust me.

What are some of your favorite apps for your children?

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Posted in Life with a Toddler | Tagged | 6 Comments

Magical, Mortifying, Motherhood.

Posted on May 3, 2012 by Mommy Boots

Motherhood is full of magical, heart-warming moments that take your breath away and make you wonder how you ever lived your life before your children came into it.

It’s also filled with moments that make you want to melt into the floor, run away, or just spontaneously combust from embarrassment and want to sell them to the lowest paying customer.

That’s the shit no one ever tells you about. EVER. For instance:

No one ever told me that one day, I would be elbow-deep in baby diarrhea and bathing her in the sink. At Olive Garden. In the middle of the day.

No one ever told me that I’d be holding my toddler in line at the grocery store and that she would suddenly grab hold of my shirt, pull it down and yell, “HI BOOBS!”

No one ever told me that while on a solo trip to the aquarium with my child, I’d have to go to the bathroom. So I’d take her in the stall with me. No one ever told me that while sitting on the toilet, my child would look down and see my sanitary pad and ask loudly, “MAMA HAVE DIAPER?!”

No one ever told me that I would lift her up and sniff her ass in public, just to see if she had pooped. My child turned me into a public ass-sniffer.

No one ever told me that I’d have to say certain things to her in a public place, things like:
“Stop scratching your butt.”
“Yes, I’m aware Ariel has boobs.”
“Nellie Rose! Stop licking (the shopping cart, your Ariel doll’s boobs, your foot, your daddy’s face)!”

No one ever told me that I would be on the phone with a complete stranger at my pediatrician’s office explaining my daughter’s bowel movements/vaginal odors/scent of her diaper and asking if it was normal.

What are some of your most embarrassing/humbling moments of parenthood?

Posted in motherhood, parenthood, Uncategorized | Tagged | 7 Comments

Tough

Posted on April 30, 2012 by Mommy Boots

The other day Josh, Nellie and I were at my in-laws’ house. They live near some woods and a creek, so the three of us decided to take a little walk down so Nellie could see the water and maybe even catch a glimpse of a frog or two. We had a good time for the most part – I say for the most part because I kind of hate nature. I was raised in Chicago where my most exotic outside experience was taking a walk on a paved sidewalk with some trees on either side of me. My husband grew up playing on a creek bank, catching crawfish (UGH) and running around barefoot.

I digress. We had a fine time and went about the rest of our day happily. The next day we were all sitting on the couch, and Josh raised his pant leg to scratch his calf.

That’s when I saw it.

Me: What is that?
Josh: *leans forward to inspect the black speck on his leg* That? That’s a tick.

Me:
Josh: *calmly* Get me some tweezers and and a lighter.

Me:
Josh: …………………………

So I go to get the tweezers and lighter, hand them to him and perch on the chair beside him and watch. He points the lighter at his leg.

Me: Wait! You’ll burn your leg hairs!
He pauses, then grabs the tick with the tweezers. He yanks it out of his leg, muttering something about it being “really stuck in there”.

Me:

After he extracts the tick he proceeds to burn it with the lighter (CHILL THE FUCK OUT PETA IT’S A TICK, NOT A KITTEN). After he’s done, I glance at his leg.

Me: Did you get the head out? It might be stuck in your leg.
Josh: So?
Me: It might get infected.

He leans to inspect his leg again and after a moment of consideration he nods.

Josh: Get me my razor.
Me: Why do you need your razor?
Josh: So I can cut it out. The head is still in there.

Me:

Josh: ……………..

I get up and get his razor. I watch in horror as he proceeds to CUT HIS OWN LEG WITH A STRAIGHT-EDGE RAZOR AND EXTRACT THE TICK’S HEAD FROM HIS FLESH. The whole time, he is the picture of calm. His expression never changes – he never winces or whimpers. He digs in his leg with that razor as calmly as if he were doing a crossword puzzle. Meanwhile, I’m all

It is then that I realize that my husband is actually a caveman, or a gladiator, or something equally as tough. Born too late for the heart that beats in his chest. I see him nonchalantly wipe the blood from his leg and inspect the head of the tick when he finally gets it out, and I can picture him sitting alone on a frontier somewhere, pouring whiskey on his leg and digging a bullet out by firelight without batting an eyelash. Meanwhile, I’m on the verge of vomiting on our carpet and fainting.

Tough husband: I haz one.

Posted in Love & Marriage | Tagged | 5 Comments

Taking Care of Tiny Teeth

Posted on April 25, 2012 by Mommy Boots

There are a lot of things about motherhood that threw me for a loop and left me scratching my head. There are also a lot of things I never thought about before that I have to learn how to do now.

Things like brushing teeth. Teeth that don’t belong to me. Teeth that are tiny and rooted in the mouth of someone else. Someone else who is small, squirmy, and doesn’t like having her teeth brushed.

If you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m talking about my toddler. Up until recently, I’ve been absolutely terrible about sticking to a twice-a-day dental hygiene routine with my two year old. I’d brush her teeth before bed when I remembered to, or when she was in a particularly good mood. Otherwise, I’d either forget or just forgo it entirely because she was tired/cranky/wiggly/screaming etc. You can go ahead and just hand me that Mother of the Year trophy now, thanks.

I’ve heard mixed things from my mom friends on when to take your child to his/her first appointment. Some of them took their kids to the dentist as soon as their first tooth erupted, others waited until they were a little less wiggly and had gotten over their intense fear of strangers. I’ve had in-depth discussions with other moms on their tactics to get their toddlers to hold still and cooperate while brushing their teeth (mine likes to bite the toothbrush and laugh). I have had success with letting my child choose a favorite song for me to sing to her – this keeps her interested, and helps me control how long I brush her teeth by adjusting the tempo of the song. I will also let her “brush” her teeth (which is really her sucking on the bristles and saying “Mmmm toothpaste!”) when I’m finished.

The conflicting information on when to take my girl in for the first time has been confusing, and how to choose one once we’re ready for her first visit has been a little intimidating. I found an extremely helpful website that is both informative in regards to pediatric dentistry and can help choose a local dentist. TopDentists.com allows you to search for a dentist near you. There aren’t databases available in every single city in America yet, but they’re adding and expanding every single day. My favorite part of the website is that they have a plethora of articles about the topic that’s most prevalent on my mind – pediatric dentistry. If you search “pediatric” you come up with titles like “The Pediatric Dentist Will See You Now”, “Choosing a Pediatric Dentist”, “Pediatric Dentistry FAQ”, and “Who’s Afraid of the Dentist?”

Okay, so it pretty much covers everything I was curious and in the dark about: when to take my child to a dentist, how to choose a dentist, and even how to deal with a fearful child.  TopDentists.com doesn’t just cover pediatric dentistry; they cover a multitude of other topics like orthodontics, oral & maxillofacial surgery (think wisdom tooth extraction), cosmetic dentistry and more. There are also topics you can browse for various oral ailments like gingivitis, oral cancer, halitosis and tooth decay.

Raising a little person into a functioning human being can be intimidating; especially with all the responsibility it carries. Fortunately there are websites like this to help take a bit of the guesswork away.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I just realized that I forgot to brush my daughter’s teeth – after she ate a bag of doughnuts.

I’m kidding.

Maybe.

 

Disclosure: This post was brought to you by topdentists.com. I really do have a child and she really does have teeth. I also really do forget to brush them sometimes. The opinions and statements in this post are 100% honest, and 100% my own.
Posted in parenting | Tagged , | 7 Comments

In Her Time of Dying: Mother’s Day

Posted on April 23, 2012 by Mommy Boots

I’ve vaguely thought about the annual holiday that’s coming up in May, the first one that I will have in my life without the person whom the holiday is in honor of:

Mom.

Despite my complicated relationship with my mom, she was still my mom and I do have a few good memories of things I did for her on Mother’s Day: surprised her by showing up at an Olive Garden in Bloomington, Illinois (when I lived in Chattanooga, Tennessee), picked her lilacs from our neighbor’s yard when I was young, announced that I was pregnant with Nellie. I haven’t been sure how I feel about this first Mother’s Day without her, as I was not very actively involved in her life for the last three years.

I got an e-mail from a group I work with sometimes on my blog for a Mother’s Day photo caption contest and my heart stopped in my chest. I began reading contest’s description; send a special picture of you and your mother with a sentimental caption, and enter for a chance to win a gift basket. I stared at a beautiful black-and-white photo of a young bride on her wedding day, smiling happily at her beaming mother.

An overwhelming sense of loss, of sadness, of mourning a relationship we never had and all the feelings of disappointment over my life with her came rushing at me at once. I contemplated, for a second, submitting a photo into the contest and was at a loss of what photo to include. Even if I were to send in a picture, what could I possibly say?
“This is me kissing my mom on the cheek on my wedding day – the photographer made me do it.”
“Here we are at my baby shower. I invited her because I felt like I had to, she embarrassed me during it, and she looks zonked out of her mind on pain pills.”
“This one’s my mom at my bedside after the birth of my daughter – I was extraordinarily uncomfortable in this picture.”

As I tried to imagine what the hell I would submit and say, the knot of sadness in my stomach wound itself tighter. As Mother’s Day approaches – my first one without the woman who gave birth to me around – I am feeling those conflicted emotions all over again. Do I miss her? Am I glad she’s gone? What – and who, exactly – am I mourning?
I think it’s the relationship that we never had, and will never have. The glowing daughter, the beaming mother. The desperate phone calls begging her for advice on what to do while my newborn is screaming and I’m standing, helpless and unsure of what to do. The hugs, the tears, the laughter, the secrets whispered.  It’s something I’ve always wanted – envied others for having – and the holiday that celebrates the women who gave birth to us is just another reminder that I don’t have a mom and never will. I suppose all I can do is go forward and take these feelings as motivation to make sure my daughter never has to struggle and wonder what photo and caption to submit should the chance arise for her to enter such a contest, and be to her what I never had myself.

Posted in In Her Time of Dying | Tagged | 2 Comments